And the River Ran Blue

In Ireland there was once a society of leprechauns. These leprechauns were peaceful and kind creatures. At five apples high, they had to work together to accomplish the most simple tasks. They labored in their Zion-like society, becoming creatures of prosperity and happiness.

But upon the spring equinox came a danger that threatened the whole society of leprechauns. The coming of these monsters sent the whole country into turmoil, as they knew that these monsters would not cease until every last one of them was killed. They prepared for war, drafting all the men and organizing massive armies of the red-haired people.

Upon the lush green plains the leprechaun army assembled into battalions, ready to defend their home country and freedom. Across the plains they marched, setting up camps and fortresses surrounding the largest cities. They guarded the cities for many days, knowing their foes would soon arrive. In the cities the civilians labored, making weapons of war: swords, spears, axes, flails, war hammers, bows and arrows, even catapults. With these weapons the leprechauns stood their ground, waiting for their enemies to arrive.

Three weeks after the army was assembled, the invaders arrived on the leprechaun home front. The arrival started as a shimmering on the horizon, a wavy blue line blending in with the sky. But then the distinct creatures were seen by the scouts, confirming the identity of the attackers: smurfs. Smurfs, average height at three apples high, are deadly creatures and are very devious to all who oppose them. Snarling in the sunlight, the blue brutes marched forward across the grassy Irish plains. They stopped a mile from the leprechaun front lines, setting up camp and preparing for the battle soon to come.

The next morning, Papa Smurf (leader of the smurfs) and Lucky the Leprechaun (leader of the leprechauns) met between the two armies to discuss the terms of warfare.

“Surrender and we will spare your race, or fight and you will all die.” Papa Smurf snarled, his eyes burning with hatred.

“Aye, we be not surrendering to your kind.” Lucky casually responded, his pipe bobbing up and down in the corner of his mouth as he spoke. A big smile appeared on his face as he came to a realization. “But I’ve an idear abut how we kin fight. I says me and ye have a fight to the deeth, and the winner’s army is declared veectorious. Unless, that is, ye’s scard ye’re ganna lose.”

Papa grimaced, knowing he had only one choice. “Fine, we meet at high noon today, we fight to the death on a bridge. No rules, winner takes all.”

“Agreed, let’s seal the deal.” Lucky dropped his pipe and spat into his hand, then reached out and shook his opponent’s equally unsanitary hand. The two parties quickly returned to their forces, eager to discuss their plans for the fight.

A square bridge soon appeared over a river between the forces as the sun arced through the sky to its position at high noon. The cobblestone bridge was suspended over a large river, with bars along the river edges to keep the fighters from falling in. On each side of the river stood the opposing countries, with banners and flags decorating numerous tents and pavilions.

A crowd of smurfs parted with an uproar as Papa Smurf marched onto the bridge, his chest puffed out and muscles flexed. At ten apples high, Papa Smurf towered over even the biggest smurf, and his bulging muscles made him look even larger. He turned around and faced the smurfs, thrusting his fists into the air as the uproar grew louder.

Behind Papa Smurf, Lucky emerged from the crowd of leprechauns holding a tobacco pipe, dressed in a formal green hat, sparkly green shirt and shorts, and green moccasins.

“HAHA, look at the little leprechaun in his little outfit! HAHAHA!” Papa Smurf shouted, pointing at Lucky and laughing boisterously.

Lucky giggled to himself menacingly, then tossed his pipe and hat into the crowd. The crowd quieted as lucky arched his back, flexing his muscles robustly. He started growling, and Papa Smurf stumbled back in fright as Lucky let out an ear-splitting roar, tearing off his shirt and slamming his fists on the cobblestone. Lucky stood up straight and leaned backwards, stretching in the sun before Papa.

He was visibly larger than before, which greatly surprised the smurfs. What the smurfs didn’t know was that Lucky was very lucky as he had the ability to grow larger when he wanted to. But this didn’t stop Papa Smurf, who charged at Lucky without warning. Lucky hopped sideways, dodging the blue blur by a hair. Lucky turned around and lunged at Papa, grabbing him by the arm and flinging him at the opposite side of the bridge, his head cracking on a wooden bar.

Out of nowhere Papa pulled out a short sword (actually all the swords were short) and with blood dripping down the side of his face charged at Lucky. Lucky quickly dodged the smurf and grabbed a spear from a nearby leprechaun, hurling it at Papa Smurf with all his strength. The spear careened through the air and just barely brushed Papa Smurf’s chest, but Papa froze and let out a disgusting moan as he turned toward Lucky. Lucky paused, noticing Papa’s torn shirt and bloody chest. Papa stumbled forward and fell on the ground just as his blue entrails spewed out of his wound and splattered onto the cobblestone.

But the death of Papa Smurf didn’t end the battle, and soon there was uproar among the smurfs as the leprechauns cheered for victory. The smurfs charged the leprechauns, crossing the bridge and killing many before they knew what was happening. Trumpets were blown, signaling the start of the battle, and the bloodshed began. Caught by surprise, the leprechauns were unable to be organized and went ballistic; chopping at every smurf they saw in their anger. The bridge became the midpoint for the battle, and the forces were smashed together from behind. Lucky led the battle, killing many smurfs in his wake. The battle continued into the afternoon until the smurfs were defeated, their bodies covering the bridge and the land surrounding it.

Lucky and the few remaining leprechauns dumped the smurfs corpses into the river, watching the bodies float down the currents. Lucky looked around the river at the many bodies of his fellow leprechauns, and couldn’t help but weep for the loss of his brethren.

Lucky wept bitterly beside the river, mourning for not having lost his life with his friends. “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” Lucky quietly whispered these words and gazed at the river, observing the mysterious blue haze that enveloped the murky depths.